Egg donation and surrogacy: my maternity journeys for others

Tracey is a mum to four girls. She has also been an egg donor, a surrogate and she is currently the Surrogate Manager at Brilliant Beginnings – a UK based surrogacy agency. In her role as Surrogate Manager, she supports other like-minded people through the surrogate screening they offer, and then help match them with the support of her colleagues to intended parent(s) that need a surrogate. Tracey shares openly about her journeys: why she chose to be a donor and a surrogate, what it was like giving birth, but also (sadly) miscarrying and how support could be better.

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My own journey began when I looked into being an egg donor, it was something that I had never heard of before, but I started looking into it further after a friend spoke to me about it. She was possibly going to need an egg donor herself but there was a long wait to find one. I looked into what was involved, before deciding it was something that I would be happy to do and offered to be a donor for her, but they chose to try IVF again themselves, rather than using an egg donor straight away. I then realised that there must be other people out there in a similar position as my friend, who were also in need of an egg donor. I knew it would happen anonymously, but that’s what I did. I donated my eggs twice, which helped one family have a little boy.

From egg donation to surrogacy
It was the clinic that I did my egg donation through – the Wessex Fertility Centre in Southampton, that asked if I had ever considered being a surrogate. They gave me some information about the different surrogacy agencies in the UK after my second donation. I looked into them all with my husband. Brilliant Beginnings stood out to us for the way they match their surrogates to intended parents – I’ve since had two surrogacy journeys with them. My first surrogacy journey was sadly unsuccessful after the intended parents exhausted all their stored embryos and decided not to continue. I remain close friends with them, as well as with the couple who I carried a little girl for successfully in 2018. Genetically not mine yet another girl.

“Surrogacy has certainly been the proudest thing I have ever done for someone else”

Great way to ‘give back’
Surrogacy has certainly been the proudest thing I have ever done for someone else. My husband thinks that the egg donation was the bigger thing, as that was my own genetics, but he hasn’t experienced childbirth! We must agree to disagree on that one. I’ve made some lifelong friends from surrogacy, and it certainly has been a great way to ‘give back’ after being so lucky to have my own girls.

The birth
After the birth of their daughter, the intended parents stayed locally for a couple of days before returning home. Although the birth had gone well, I developed a blood infection post-birth, that took the doctors four days to diagnose. I’d had a vaginal birth with no complications. I had been induced and was on IV antibiotics (due to being a Strep B carrier) but didn’t have any other pain relief. The birth, once in full swing, had gone as planned with the intended parents present too watching their little one coming into the world. What happened a couple of days later was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever gone through.

When the last doctor finally diagnosed what was wrong, he had me in theatre straight away for keyhole surgery either side of my left knee for what had developed as septic arthritis (apparently blood infections can settle in different areas of your body). I then had a bad reaction to one of the antibiotics they had given me. I ended up spending the next nine days in hospital and being discharged home in a wheelchair unable to walk. I later moved onto a Zimmer frame. They only discharged me then, as my husband had managed to convert our house so I could live downstairs as I couldn’t manage the stairs. I had intensive physiotherapy along with counselling over the next six months which was very hard going. I have the strength back in my knee now, but I still suffer with pain memory (my nerves continue to send pain signals) five years on.

“The doctors and nurses were asking where the baby was, wanting to know more about my surrogacy journey: it was very difficult”

Sibling journey
Yes, this was a result of the pregnancy/surrogacy, but it was incredibly unlucky. I saw two consultants to make sure it was safe to try for a sibling journey and neither had seen anything like this before. Writing this now, I know it sounds mad that I went on to try and have a sibling journey for my intended parents, but I do feel very passionate about surrogacy, and I know what it meant to them having their daughter.

We did embark on a sibling journey together, but after having two miscarriages I decided that my surrogacy journey had come to an end. I had never had any miscarriages before, and I found them difficult. What I went through enabled a family to have the gift they have now with their daughter, and knowing how I have helped changed their life for the better was the driving force behind wanting to try the sibling journey.

Dealing with the physical sides
It wasn’t the actual birth that caused my trauma but the infection that subsequently developed. Meeting so many doctors and nurses that knew I had just given birth, but had no baby was hard: they were all asking where the baby was and wanting to know more about my surrogacy journey. This was all very difficult. I was so ill but still having to deal with all the physical sides of giving birth, such as my milk coming in and postnatal bleeding for example which was tricky to navigate.

“I felt that I had really let my intended parents down”

Hard to come to terms with
My surrogacy journey ending in that way after the miscarriages was very hard to come to terms with. It wasn’t how I had planned it to end, and I felt that I had really let my intended parents down. We were not given any reason why they had happened, which didn’t help us understand it. It was also tricky going through that whilst doing what I do as a job, but I am now able to get ‘my surrogacy fix’ from playing a small part in other people’s journeys, which is nice.

Miscarrying
I was lucky to have never experienced a miscarriage before surrogacy, so I can’t compare the differences between miscarrying your own baby and miscarrying as a surrogate. I do however know how I felt as a surrogate. The first time it happened I was in my A&E hospital, during the pandemic so I wasn’t allowed anyone with me. The intended parents were at home just under a two hour drive away, which is where they stayed as they weren’t allowed in the hospital at the time, if they had come down.

I found myself on a trolley miscarrying in front of the doctors and nurses’ station, I remember it so well. I also remember the tall doctor that came up to me throwing a large blanket over me and telling me that he would get an ambulance to move me to the midwifery department at the hospital over the road, right away. There I had the privacy of my own room and things were a lot calmer. The second time although I was further along, I stayed at home as I knew what was happening, although I did need to go into hospital to have further scans and treatment later on.

“I do feel that surrogates generally are very well-included in the maternity system”

Well-included
I do feel that surrogates generally are very well-included in the maternity system, I guess because it’s quite an uncommon situation to see, people are interested in it. When one our teams become pregnant their Client Manager (one of my colleagues) reaches out the hospital that they are going to be going to, to find out if they have a surrogacy policy in place and if not to help them put one in place. We then help them put their birth plans together so that everyone’s birth wishes are considered and shared. This is also to make sure the whole team knows what the hospital can accommodate post-birth for both the surrogate and the parents.

If you work for a hospital that doesn’t have a surrogacy policy, then we would be more than happy to help anyone with that.

Matching parents with surrogates
Surrogates are having the intended parent’s baby, but they are the ones going through the pregnancy, birth or miscarriage and we try and support their hopes and wishes for stages as much as we can. Matching them with intended parents who are open to their thoughts around the birth they want. We wouldn’t match intended parents that would prefer a hospital birth to a surrogate that is hoping for a home birth. It is one of our criteria that our surrogates have had at least one birth themselves, so they have a good idea of what works for them or what they don’t want to happen this time round if that’s the case.

“Supporting surrogates in a trauma-informed way is to be mindful of the language you use”

Trauma-informed support
The main tip, I would share about supporting surrogates in a trauma-informed way is quite a straightforward one – but one that I think can really make a difference: being mindful of the language used when talking to either the surrogate or the intended parents. Referring to the surrogate as the ‘surrogate’ and not the ‘surrogate mother’; or using ‘plans need to be made for the birth of the baby’ or ‘plans need to be made for your labour’ instead of ‘plans need to be made for the birth of your baby’, are just some examples.

Different needs
It is really important that you are mindful of the different feelings in the room: how the situation is affecting the intended parents may be different to how the situation is effecting the surrogate. The needs of both need to be considered and met. It is common for a surrogate to try and put on a brave face knowing what their intended parents have been through just getting to the point in which they are at.

When I had the first miscarriage, I clearly remember asking to call the intended parents to read them the letter that I needed to sign to say what I wanted to happen with the pregnancy tissue. I clearly said that it wasn’t my decision, it was for the intended parents, but they said I was the birth mother, so it was myself that needed to fill in the forms. Yes, this true in law but I wanted to involve them in those conversations. There were a lot of people in the room, and I had to make that call in front of all of them to ask them what their wishes were.

“I experienced failed transfers, a blood infection, allergic reactions and two miscarriages: I am taking this forward in supporting other people”

Signpost other surrogates
If I can help anyone handle that situation better, then I would. I feel in hindsight that I was rushed to make that decision. This happened during the early hours of the morning, and I had just physically miscarried. Then I had to tell the intended parents the sad news of what had happened without anyone with me – having to read this out to them was very hard.

I did reach out to a couple of support groups but I didn’t feel I had the right to be there as it wasn’t my baby that I had miscarried. If I can signpost other surrogates to better support, then that would be great going forward.

Taking my experience forward
Doing the job, I hear a lot of birth stories from surrogates talking about the births of their own children to surrogates births: as a Make Birth Better Champion I’d like to be able to raise significant points from those birth stories that others can learn from – both good and bad – so it can either help others in the future, whether that’s by changing the language someone uses, getting someone to ask a surrogacy team how they can best help them or by getting policies and practices updated accordingly. I feel this is where my two roles overlap.

Overall, the surrogacy journey, pregnancy, and birth I had was good: I tend to focus on the positives. I have experienced failed transfers, a blood infection, allergic reactions to medication and two miscarriages, which have given me a lot of experience that I can take forward when I am supporting other people in their own journeys. I have met many people through being a surrogate and feel very lucky to have been able to do so.

In my role as a Make Birth Better Champion I have heard from some very inspiring people sharing their own experiences and I feel privileged to be able to work with them as a team, to help learn from those experiences to help make birth better for other people in the future.