Without my partner there, my past trauma was triggered
After an uneasy road trying to conceive, I finally got a positive test and I couldn’t have been happier. I did not have the smoothest of pregnancies, but luckily I received great care. Until COVID-19 changed everything for us.
Lockdown started when I was around 25 weeks pregnant. This meant my high-risk OB appointments changed into virtual appointments and my midwife/GP appointments needed to be attended alone. Since I was already diagnosed with prenatal anxiety, depression and panic disorder at 12 weeks pregnant, these new rules only made my mental health even worse. I went to extra growth scans on my own because I wasn’t gaining any weight. I was always so terrified there would be something wrong with my baby and I wouldn’t have anyone with me. Midwife appointments felt even more scary and I even had to be admitted at 35 and 36 weeks for complications without anyone by my side.
“I could not touch or hold my baby.”
Panic attack
I felt my anxiety and panic growing as labour was coming closer because there was so much uncertainty around it. When it was finally time to give birth, my partner needed to leave me behind at reception until I was in established labour and had taken a COVID test. I already had a panic attack lying alone on the bed while a midwife checked how dilated I was, without even asking permission. When I was finally in established labour, my birth partner could join me in the hospital birth centre. A lovely midwife was assigned to me and the next 10 hours were relatively peaceful.
Feeling like failing
And then, our baby was born. Tears of joy filled the room… Until my partner had to leave right after. I remember they put me in a room of my own. I was also violently ill from an epidural and spinal. All this time, I could physically not hold or touch my baby and all these precious moments were taken away by hospital staff who fed our baby and changed the first nappy. I already felt myself failing as a mother. The only thing I was supposed to do was take care of our baby and even that had become impossible.
“Every suppressed memory reached the surface.”
Hit by the past
I finally fell asleep after they transferred me to the postnatal ward and that’s when the past was transported back into the present. I knew that I was dreaming but I couldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t get away. I saw myself as a six-year-old being sexually abused.
I could hear the doorknob turning.
I could smell him coming closer.
I could feel him inside of me.
It was the exact same pain.
I woke up gasping for air, trying my hardest not to scream. I pulled the covers over me and pressed my mouth against the mattress so they couldn’t hear me crying. Every suppressed memory reached the surface and I couldn’t tell the person I was closest with, and because of that, I never got the courage to tell the truth.
Awake every second
My stay in the hospital was filled with fear even though I looked OK on the outside. I lied and said I was able to empty my bladder when in fact I couldn’t but I didn’t want anyone touching me again. I threw the painkillers they gave me in the bin because I didn’t want to feel loopy in case someone would try and come and touch me again. I was awake every second during the night not keeping my eyes off the door in case someone would come in.
Stuck
It’s true when they say you leave the hospital as a changed woman but I had no idea this would be the state I would be leaving in. Ever since giving birth, I am in the in-between. Stuck between the past and present. You never know someone’s background and that’s why I feel it is even more important to let birth partners be present during every stage. Labour is such a vulnerable place to be in and so many unexpected things come up – it doesn’t even have to be related to a traumatic past – that you need support, and someone you feel safe with. This was all taken away from us and as a consequence I am still fighting a battle I don’t know I will ever be willing to share openly.
If you’re a victim of sexual abuse and you’re considering becoming a parent or you’re pregnant already, you might find these resources useful: